Since I was a child, I’ve been a light sleeper; 5am birds, loud trucks, raining cats and dogs, and barking dogs. To cover up these impulsively, intermittent interruptions, I use “white noise” – a sound so steady, once I got used to it, I no longer heard it. An overlaying sound, making all that goes bump in the night disappear. It’s being used to help infants sleep through nap time without, shhhh, don’t wake the baby! There are things in my life I’ve allowed, all too often, to become “white noise”, things I get so used to I don’t hear them anymore, like unhappy; an overlaying feeling, covering up interruptions of happy – not helpful. I would describe the onset of grief as “white noise”, without the need to get used to it. Bump – fear – nope, I can’t hear it. Bump – anger, weakness, reality, blame, feelings, consciousness, the future – nope, I can’t hear them, enough to sleep deeply though those first few weeks. Acceptance, oblivious, make-believe took their place, while, fearless, strong, calm, and capable overlaid everything. Shhhh, don’t wake the truth! It can sleep awhile, until she’s ready to hear the bumps, let them in, embrace them, and fix what’s broken.
A Widow's Walk 