Stillness Still

I had a full day off yesterday.  The night before I thought about kayaking, even checking out my paddling map.  But when I got up, my first thought was what was I going to do with an entire day.  I had a lawn to mow and then kayaking?  My thought about putting the racks on the car was alone.  My thought about loading the kayak was alone.  My thought about lugging the boat and gear to the water was alone.  My thought about being on the water was alone.  Why can’t I bring myself to do this thing that, not so long ago, I loved the most?  Is it important that I go?  Not really.  Don’t I like it anymore?   I don’t know.  It seems to have become the most alone I can be.  Working in the woodshop, gardening, crafts – all the things I’ve always done alone – don’t make me feel alone.  I don’t feel this way about walking, hiking, snowshoeing, or cross country skiing, so why kayaking?  Maybe it’s the stillness – uncomfortable with not thinking, not doing, not talking.  This doesn’t happen anywhere else but on the water.  If that’s it, then what?  Don’t go?  Fix it?  How?

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