Toss It

There are still days when the pain of his death is overwhelming.  The intensity of the grief returning like it did right after waking up to the reality of that event.  Anger, unstoppable tears, intense sadness, and feeling sorry for myself, things that I’ve overcome and yet here they are.  Is overcome the right word?  If not, maybe I haven’t made as much progress as I thought towards accepting, and adjusting to, living alone.  People lose lots of things, like the watch I lost recently, not of any real importance; fairly easy to accept, no life adjustment needed.  Then there’s the life-changing losses, like a spouse, eye sight, or use of your legs; the things that land in your lap, something you don’t want, impossible to get rid of.  But I don’t have to get rid of that loss to overcome it.  When I realized I couldn’t let it linger in my lap, I started tossing it into the air, each time higher and higher creating longer and longer periods of time without it.  How long should I let it stay after it comes back down?  Just long enough to acknowledge its presence and then give it a big toss.

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6 thoughts on “Toss It

    1. Thank you for your comment. Writing has made me look deeper at all kinds of things. Many times I’ll write something and think, that’s not exactly what I’m trying to say. When I finally get it right, I able to come to terms with whatever I’m thinking or feeling and let go.

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  1. Thank you for your story. I lost both my husband and son. Life seems overwhelming at times as I am sure you feel the same way. I try to take life one day at a time and realize my feelings do not change, I just learned how to cope and live without my husband and son. Life is certainly a journey.

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  2. Grief.
    You old, exhausting bore.
    I never invite you, yet you continue to barge through my door, unannounced, parking yourself in whatever room I occupy. Sucking the oxygen from the room.
    Waving photographs and memories of all the treasured souls that I have already lost in my face.
    New grief, stirs up old grief, reminding me of all the regret I felt before. All the things I wish I would have said. All the things I wish I would have done…
    Yet knowing I would do some things differently in the past, doesn’t equate to doing much of anything while I grieve. Unexpected loss manifests itself physically into partial paralysis for me.
    I want the joy back.
    I want to toss this grief.

    ~Tracy

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