I have plenty to keep me busy, but there are times when alone brings me to a halt. I can’t move past it to get to chores or hobbies, making alone feel even more real. Occasionally it’s wanting a man to love me, but mostly it’s about not having any friends here. No-family-here-either thoughts pop into my head whenever my daughter and her family leave town to get away. Not that I have to see them every day, but they’re here. I’ve found very few occasions to meet people, like workplaces, social events, or church. I haven’t looked into how to find a hiking club, or a church to attend, but even if I did, I can’t bring myself to go alone, the very thing that’s broken. I’m stuck in one of those circles like don’t walk, can’t walk, don’t walk.
My husband was my outer social circle, I the inner, therefore accepted, comfortable, by association.
With that outer circle gone, it’s just me, vulnerable to rejection and overflowing with uncomfortable. A wall flower long enough to start fading into the wallpaper, getting comfortable with it, but also wondering why I find that acceptable, and can I fix it.