Changed Me

This is the 6th anniversary of my husband’s death; 2,190 days, bringing with them many changes in me and my surroundings.  Having his death change things was inevitable but my initial focus was on what needed to change, not who; the who being me, not seeing me as broken, desperate to fix alone, needing to change.  Instead I saw the things surrounding me, like my home, job, and where I lived, as broken, and changed them, creating a new place that would accommodate me.  But alone is a state of mind, not a place, so moving didn’t fix alone, it just came with me.  It took a long time to see me, the broken, yet fixable, person, hiding behind all these external things.  I realized that change must be directed inward, the only way to fix alone, and change me so I could accommodate all the things already in my life.  Change, directed inward, has taught me, alone can be appreciated with no one but me needing my attention, silence can be sweet after days of noise and toys, and millions of silent tears, directed inward, will not go unnoticed.  I’ll never let grief make me go unnoticed ever again.

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