Step – Ropes

There were many times when I was paralyzed with sadness; didn’t want to eat, move, think, or even cry.  Just wanting to lay down, curl into a ball, thankful that breathing was involuntary.  I wish I could have made myself a cocoon, maybe turning into a butterfly or at least a moth.  Was  it specific events or life in general that made me want to barely exist?  It was tragic enough that my husband died.  For me to want to barely exist just heaps on more tragedy.  It took asking myself over and over, why are you doing this, and searching my foggy brain, looking for any reason at all to get up.  I finally made a list of those reasons and keep it handy, no longer needing to think but just read what I wrote, over and over until it sinks in.  I have to take advantage of clear brain days, creating life ropes to grab onto when I start to teeter, slide, or sink.  Lists of all things positive, some places to get away for an hour, and mantras, like, it is enough.  Choosing to pull myself up, swing myself over, or hold on, with these lifesaving ropes.

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