Prepared

It’s not possible to prepare for the death of someone you love, someone you hold so close.  You can make plans, and certain ones you should, but plans are about doing, not about where your heart and mind will take you.  My Dad planned his own funeral; which hymns, closed casket.  I thought maybe I should do that, but quickly realized I’m not going to be there, so I don’t care.  Let those left behind do whatever they want to find whatever comfort they can.  We didn’t have a plan for me to sell the house and move.  We should have because deciding after, by myself, was extremely hard.  What happens to my heart and mind cannot be controlled by plans.  They shut down to protect me against the hardest moments.  They went and stayed in the darkest places or raced towards things that were not yet real, and might not ever be.  Only now, looking back, do I realize why my heart and mind weren’t totally out of control.  It was, and still is, because I have friends that hold me close and when they ask, how are you, they really want to know, and I tell them.

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