I’m experiencing a new kind of sadness. I find myself in unfamiliar territory, lost, fumbling with why. Expectations in relationships are funny things. They seem to appear over time and keep the relationship steady and in balance; one thing in this world that can be counted on to be this way. When there’s a disruption, the balance is thrown off and then nothing; nothing right, nothing wrong. Does the relationship have to start over and develop all new expectations? Throw away everything counted on and go in a new direction? Or maybe the balance that was is worth fighting for, so figure out how to tweak it a little or maybe a lot? I’m not sure that’s possible when just about every expectation has been compromised, but the fear of what a new relationship might look like is a very compelling reason to tweak. The tweak is fearful too because of not knowing what it will be or if it will work, and if the initial disillusions that broke it will hinder the process. I want to feel whole again, for the wound to heal completely, not just patched, but I don’t know how to start, though start it must.