In the Stillness

Last night I answered my question as to why I’ve been stuck recently in my giant step backwards.  It’s because doing nothing is not on my to-do list.  During these last 5 years especially, I’ve done nothing else but do.  Keeping busy; the solution to not only not feeling, but as I think of it now, not healing.  Keeping busy enables me to keep the sadness and memories under control and feel empowered.  These moments still come, less often now, but instead of resting in them, I make them go away as quickly as possible because they make me feel powerless.  Most of my self-worth comes from being successful at all I do.  Being still scares me.  In the stillness I, the person I’ve been all my life, will disappear, and then will I find myself lacking?  Is it possible after 60 plus years to be still long enough to uncover all I’ve pushed so deep?  I know where doing takes me, but don’t have a clue about resting.  I know I need to try and keep trying so the good things I’ve learned can sink deep enough, to give me strength enough, to take a permanent giant step forward.

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