Nothingness

Take one giant step backwards.  May I.  Yes you may.  It’s been a couple of weeks since my giant step backward and have yet to receive a command to take any size step forward.  Grief has returned and kicked into high gear and it’s apparent I’m unsuccessful with any attempts to stop it.  I’m fully aware it’s there, bringing varying degrees of sadness over everything imaginable; a song, a movie, a book, the High Peaks, couples on the street holding hands.  I’m frozen in nothingness.  The things I love to do, like riding my bike and fishing, I can’t make myself do.  I’ve got logical reasons why not; I’m too tired, it’s too late, it’s too hot, or the best one, I don’t want to go alone because it just makes me sadder.  My mind is full of nothingness too; thoughts circling, not finding a place to land because landing would mean I’d have to take off again but I don’t know where. I’m going to pick myself up out of this seat, grab my fishing gear and my kayak, and go fishing like I planned on doing last night, hot or not, late or not.  I went; it sucked.

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