Life or Living

Last night I thought about how I used to live each day, with no regard it could be my last.  I didn’t consider the possibility it could be the last for my loved ones either.  Anger, frustration, stress, and urgency where more prevalent than happiness, appreciation, and enjoyment.  I don’t believe I actively chose to disrespect life, I just let myself react to each day’s occurrences rather than choosing to face them armed with gratitude that I and those I love were still here.  I recalled this lack of gratitude often after my husband died, but at some point those thoughts vanished.  Is it because he didn’t survive and not here to remind me life is precious?  And if he did survive, how long would it have been before we forgot?  Each morning I think about the tasks that need to get done instead of considering what memories I can create, who can I love and be thankful for, and can I bring anyone joy.  What is it about living that makes life disappear?  I need to start placing more importance on life than on living and in doing so make living easier, instead of the other way around.

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