Leaks

I went back to work a little more than two weeks later, after my son went home; working three half days and then full time. Keep-busy mode, auto-pilot, survival-mode, whatever you want to call it, provided the only way I was going to survive living on my own. Doesn’t it postpone dealing with the grief and anger? Thankfully, yes.  Thinking back on the first few days when sadness and reality was pouring in, I realize now, were that process to continue unchecked, I wouldn’t have been able to function at all.  Getting back to the same routine and letting my mind do what it knows how to do was the only way I made it through each day.  Making my brain focus on routine and work let sadness and reality leak in over time.  The arrival of big leaks was very hard to predict at first, so leaking isn’t a smooth or consistent process and it’s taking years, but leaking in is how it needs to get done.  How many years before the leaks stop?  I don’t know; as many as I need.  Maybe they’ll never stop and as I write this I’m thinking that’s OK; it has to be.

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